


What Would Lily Do?

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-26
Updated: 2006-06-15
Packaged: 2019-01-19 14:37:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12412209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Lily and her friends have this thing that whenever something goes wrong that ask 'What Would Lily Do'. This helps them with what they are going to do in certain sticky situations. With girls like this those situations are bound to arise.





	1. Prolouge

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

  
Author's notes: 1  


* * *

**This chapter was beta'd by the lovely Moralis.**

**This is the beta'd version of the chapter. So everything is all fixed. YAY!**

 

Lily Evans was waiting for her best friends, Abby Johnson and Adriana Worth, at platform nine and three quarters, when James Potter and Sirius Black showed up.   


"Evans!" James and Sirius chorused in singsong voices.   


"Oh, great! What do _you_ want?"   


"Well, sorry, but we are here to go to school.  You know, ‘cause this is where we board the train for school," Sirius said.  


"Ugh!  You two are so immature," she muttered, stalking off.  After looking through the train for almost twelve minutes, Lily finally found Abby and Adriana.   


"Abby! Adriana!" Lily squealed, running toward the girls and hugging them.  


"How was your summer, Lily?" Abby asked.  


"Three words: God damn boring."   


"Yeah, mine wasn’t any better.  That’s because James was over at my house, like, every day.  It totally sucked," replied Dria.  


The trio talked until four extremely unwelcome guests arrived in their cabin.  And we can only guess who they were.   


"Not again," Lily mumbled.   


"Sorry, Evans, I didn’t quite get that," Sirius stated, smirking.   


"Shut up, you great big prat," Lily said, right before she stuck out her tongue.   


"Oh, and you call us immature," James said, butting into the conversation.  


"May I ask why you insufferable mischief makers are intruding on our space with your inflated egos?" Abby asked.   


"No reason at all; we just wanted to see your adorable faces," Sirius said, sticking out his tongue no "again".  


"So not true, Black, ‘cause I know you don’t talk to me that way," exclaimed Dria.   


"Oh, but Worth, you know you love us," James said with his usual cockiness.   


"Ri-ight," she said, snorting. The four Marauders sat down, Remus next to Abby, Sirius next to Dria, James next to Lily, and Peter sat down across from them.   


"No, really, why are you gits here?" Lily asked.  


"Well, some first years took our compartment, and they wouldn’t move when we told them to," Remus Lupin said.   


"Damn midgets," Black muttered.   


"Watch your language, Black," Dria reprimanded.   


 "How am I supposed to watch my language when I can’t even see my mouth?"   


"That was not funny, Black."   


"Well, Adriana, aren’t you observant?" he said cockily.  


"Don’t you ever call me that again!" she growled.   


"Okay, lovebirds, break it up," James teased.  To that comment, both Dria and Sirius objected profusely.  


"Lovebirds my arse," Dria snapped.  "Just ‘cause you’re my cousin, it doesn’t mean I won’t kill you."  


"Who wants to play Exploding Snap?" Peter asked, trying to change the subject.  For the next few hours, the group played cards or read books.  All was quiet, except for the sound exploding cards, until …  

 

**Authors Note: Soon I will be posting the beta'd version of chapter two. Just as soon as I send it to her and get it back.**


	2. On Train

  


“Anything off the trolley dears?”

 

“Finally some food, I’m starved.” Sirius said pulling all of his money out of his pockets and buying everything on the trolley.

 

“Me too please!” Addy exclaimed fishing out the money in her pockets.

 

“Honestly Padfoot you really need to start watching what you eat.” Remus told him his sandy hair falling into his eyes.

 

“Are you saying I’m fat?” The boy reiterated 

 

“Yes Black that’s exactly what Lupin was saying just nicely; me I’ll tell the truth.” Addy said sardonically “You need to go on a diet or your going to end up like Professor Wiggleshins.”

 

“Oh belt up Worth.” The boy, Padfoot replied

 

“Addy and Black shut it before I box your ears.” Lily said clearly agitated.

 

“No fair Red.”  The black haired boy said attempting to look sad but his grey eyes betrayed him as they were shining in mirth. 

 

“Don’t call me red.” The redhead snarled.

 

“But it fits you.” 

 

“So,” She responded, “I hate that nickname.”

 

“Can we please drop this conversation?” Abby whined from her spot next to Remus.

 

“Okey Dokey Abby Wabby.” The other black haired boy answered.

 

“Oh shite Prongs we have to go the prefect meeting your Head Boy your supposed to run the meeting with the Head Girl.”  

 

“Potter’s Head Boy? Are you kidding me?” Lily screeched “I’ve go to work with _him_ for the rest of the year.”

 

“Whoa Lily easy there. Don’t go picking up the nearest thing and throwing it at him.” Abby said getting up and sitting next to Lily.

 

“Abby if you don’t back away I’ll have Oreo kill you in the middle of the night.”

 

“You wouldn’t.” Abby replied total disbelief in her voice.

 

“You know I would, I did it to Potter.”

“But that’s different you abhor James.” 

 

“Hey nobody hates James Tiberius Potter” 

 

“I don’t hate you Potter,” She said sincerely “I just have a serve dislike for you.”

 

“So Lily Flower your Head Girl?” Sirius asked

 

“Don’t call me that either Black. And yes I am head girl.”

 

“What can I call you then?”

 

“You can call me Evans, Lily or Lils.”

 

“Ok fine Lils. Since your head girl shouldn’t you be at the meeting.”

 

“Oh shite your right. Come one Potter.” She said grabbing his wrist and pulling him out the door her red flying out of its bun.

 

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

In the Hallway:

 

“Let go of me Red.”

 

“Oops sorry but you’ve got to faffing around.”

 

“I’m not faffing around I’m socializing but of course being the Ice Queen you wouldn’t know what socialization is would you?”

 

“I know what socialization is you prat.” 

 

“We’re here.” He said opening to door to find a very brassed off McGonagall.

 

“Go in you wanker we’re already late enough as is.”

 

“Miss Evans watch you language,” McGonagall reprimanded “Miss Evans and Mr. Potter were have you been?”

 

“Oh Professor I am so sorry but we completely forgot about the meeting.” Lily explained.

 

“Oh its quite all right Miss Evans just don’t let it happen again. Potter where is Mr. Lupin?” 

 

“I’m right here madam.”

 

“Lupin you better be on time for the next meeting.”

 

“Yes Professor.”

“Well off you go. And you better not be late for the Welcoming Feast.” 

 

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Back in the Compartment: (Right after the trio left):

 

“I hope Prongs comes back alive.” 

 

“I don’t. I saw enough of my stupid twit of a cousin this summer.” Addy said pulling her hair into a tight bun at the nape of her neck.

 

“I’m going to get into my uniform.” Abby announced walking out of the cabin.

 

“Me too.” Peter said following her out of the cabin.

 

“Black turn around I’m going to change into my uniform.” 

 

“You can’t make me turn around Worth.” He taunted

 

“You wanna bet,” She challenged pulling out her wand “I know some pretty nasty curses my sister taught I’m just dying to try out.”

 

“Turning around.”

 

“Good boy I’ll have to give you a biscuit for that.”

 

“Oh Ha ha.”

 

“Ok you can turn around now Black I’m finished.”

 

“Hey Worth do you hear that? It sounds like people are arguing.” 

 

Sure enough, there were voices coming outside the cabin. The people were saying:

 

“You idiot why didn’t you tell me McGonagall was standing right in front of you?” A high-pitched feminine voice said.

 

“I’m sorry your Highness but I was kind of in shock.” A deeper male voice responded.

 

“You know what Potter go to hell.” The feminine voice all but screamed.

 

“Uh oh Black we have a problem.”

 

“No shite Sherlock.”

 

“Who in Merlin’s name is Sherlock?” 

“Never you mind Worth. Right now we need to keep Evans and Prongs from killing each other.”

 

“Ah right.”

 

When the two teenagers opened the door, they found Remus between two very red Head students.

 

“Help!” Remus squeaked.

 

“Damnit I can never calm Lily down that’s Abby’s job. I just end up making her madder.”

 

“I’d offer to be your knight in shining armour but that’s James’ job.”

 

“I’m going in Black.” Addy said walking up and grabbing Lily “Come on Lily today is not your day to kill Potter that’s tomorrow.”

 

As Lily was being dragged away by Addy an announcement came over the train announcing that they have arrived at Hogsmeade Station.


	3. Food and Gossip

  


Disclaimer: I do not own the Marauders, Emmeline Vance, Dorcas Meadows or Lily Evans. All that goes to the Wonderful J.K. Rowling. Oh I do own the sorting hat song though which I think is totally sick.

* * *

 

“Lily come on lets go find Dorcas and Emmeline.”

“But Abigail it will be so much easier to yell their names instead of looking for them.”

“Lillipop’s right Abby it would be so much easier to yell. I will demonstrate for you” Just to prove her point Addy yelled out “Emmeline Moira Vance and Dorcas Flower Meadows get your arses over here this instant.”

“I don’t wanna Adriana Babette Worth.” Emmeline yelled back.

“Me neither.” Dorcas yelled.

“I don’t give a damn whether you want to or not.”

“Well me and Dora refuse to get up so live without us.”

“For one thing Emmeline it’s Dora and I not me and Dora and for another thing if you don’t get your arses over here right now you’ll be excluded from the beginning of the kitchen visit.” That time Lily was yelling.

“Fine you win Evans, again.” Dorcas or Dora yelled back as she was pulling Emmeline up from her spot on the benches.

“I always win when are you going to learn that Dora.”

“Dunno, probably never.”

“Hey Emmeline do you know who Marlene ended up getting married to?” Abby asked as she took her seat at the Gryffindor table.

“No, I haven’t rumour has it though, that she married that McKinnon bloke.”

“Merlin, Em you are the biggest gossip next to that Hufflepuff Dehlilah Popperyork.”

“Do you have a problem with that Johnson cuz if you do contact my supervisor.”

“And who might that be?”

“Er wait a sec I gotta find out,” She said before yelling to Potter and asking if he would be her supervisor to which responded ‘Oh of course it has always been my dream to be your supervisor.’”My supervisor is James Potter.”

After that episode of randomness, the five girls settled down and began chatting about this and that at one point they were talking about what to name Lily’s new owl. There was only the sound of loud talking between the students until Sirius yelled out “Hey Ol Bumblebee when are we going to be eating? I am absolutely ravenous.”

Almost as if Dumbledore was answering his, question Professor McGonagall entered the Great Hall with a trail of ‘midget’ first years trailing behind her. The professor walked up to the front of the hall and announced to the shaking first years that after the Sorting Hat sang its song their names would be called and they were to go sit on the three legged stool.

_As another year has come I am to sing another song,_

_Do not be frightened of a singing hat, I am_

_Only here to place you in your correct house,_

_Shall it the mighty Gryffindor where the idiots_

_And brave reside or may it be Hufflepuff where_

_Those friendly and loyal make their home or_

_Maybe it will be Ravenclaw home to the students_

_With horrible study habits and intelligence beyond compare_

_Last but most importantly least Slytherin where_

_Those of quick wit and lacking social skills brood_

_About day in and day out, But wherever you shall_

_Be placed will be suited best to you, So come forth_

_Little firsties and place me upon your head so I_

_Can decide where you will fit in best._

“Yes I can eat now! Finally!” Sirius exclaimed eagerly looking for food.

“Not quite yet Mr. Black the sorting has yet to be completed.”

Sirius was obviously unsatisfied with the answer he got as he let out a long, pathetic, and extremely loud sigh.

“Padfoot that isn’t necessary.” Remus hissed to the black haired boy.

“Moony be quiet the sortings ‘bout to start.” The boy hissed back.

“You’re incorrigible.” The other boy Moony sighed.

“What does that mean Mooners?”

“It means you’re hopeless.”

The other boy Padfoot shrugged and said, “Oh, okay th-”

“Oh for Christ’s sake you two shut up.” Addy exclaimed causing everyones attention to switch from the sorting to staring at her.

“Addy shut up your scaring the first years,” Abby whispered nudging her in the ribs, “and turn around while your at it.”

“Miss Worth is that really necessary?” Professor McGonagall questioned her.

“Yup it was necessary Black and Lupin were whispering ‘bout who was a better sha-“

The professor quickly realised what she was going to say and interrupted her “All right I get the point. However, you have a detention for interrupting the sorting ceremony. And Misters Black and Lupin you also have one.”

“But I didn’t do anything yet Minnie,” Sirius protested, “Damn it I shouldn’t have called you that.”

“Sit down Mr. Black.”

He did just that but he continued grumbling about how unfair life was.

A few minuets later, the sorting was over and Sirius had stopped complaining Dumbledore stood up to say something.

“While I’m sure you’re all very hungry,” He began, “I would like to say some words. Eat up.” With those words, he sat down and the food prepared by the hundreds of house elves appeared on the table. As everyone but the little first years, expected Sirius upon the arrival of The Food shouted happily “WHOO HOO Food!”

“Black,” Dorcas called getting his attention, “did you forget to take your pills today?”

A look of realization dawned on his face “Uh huh, musta left ‘em in my apartment.”

“You my dear are such a ditz. I cannot begin to fathom how you survive on a day to day basis.” Lily chimed adopting a posh sophisticated accent.

He screwed his eyes up in concentration then said with a mouthful of food, “What the hell are you saying, Evans?”

“What’s she’s saying Pads is that she doesn’t know how you survive. And don’t talk with your mouth open you pig.” Remus explained slowly.

“Well jeez couldn’t she just say that instead.”

“She is right here and no she couldn’t have said that as it is way to much fun to confuse simple-minded people.”

To this Sirius said thanks and he continued to eat his meal.

* * *

Soon after Dumbledore stood up again and made his speech “A note to the first the Forbidden Forest is just that forbidden. I would advise you not to go in there lest you suffer the most painful of deaths. In addition, our caretaker Mr. Filch has recently added Shake and ‘Splode exploding cans to list of banned items. But now on a happier note Professor Slughorn would like to say a few words.”

 

Taking that as his cue Slughorn stood causing his round belly to jiggle and shake wildly “I would like to announce to all Slug Club members that our first meeting will be on Thursday September the fifth.” Groans and scowls followed his announcement, as not many people were lucky enough to be members of that elite club.

Once again, Dumbledore stood “I’m sure it’s been a very tiring day for all of you so I am now bidding you goodnight. First years you will follow your house prefects to your common room. Oh and prefects since you did not get the notice on the train our Head Boy is James Potter and the Head Girl is Lily Evans they are both in Gryffindor. If anyone has, any problems simply find him or her while they are going about their day. That is all good night. Do not let the bed pixies bite. ”

“C’mon Potter we should bring the first years up to the common room since we haven’t told anyone the password yet.” Lily noted waving goodbye to her friends who were already walking up to the common room.

“I don’t care what we should do I am still hungry I’m going to the kitchens,” He declared flipping Sirius the bird.

“No you’re not Potter you can go to kitchens after we tell the prefects the password.”

“How ‘bout you tell the password to the bloody prefects and I go to the kitchens.”

“Potter how are the prefects going to think of you if you’re skiving off on the _first_ day of work.” Lily demanded harshly her emerald eyes blazing furiously.

“I don’t give a damn what the damn prefects think of me.” James stated calmly a scowl gracing his features.

“Fine go to the bloody kitchens Potter but bring me back some Pumpkin Pasties.” She grumbled tiredly.

James walked away laughing.

“Hey Gaila come here for a second I’m going to tell you the password,” She called motioning the sixth year prefect over and whispering the password to her, “Oh and if you see my friends up there could you tell them to meet me in the kitchens.” She paused as the other girl nodded, “Thanks Gaila.”

Satisfied that the prefects were finally taken care of Lily set off towards the kitchens. She was stopped by several curious Hufflepuffs who were wondering why she was near the common room. Finally, she reached the portrait of the fruits. She paused for a moment to think of how to get in with the silence brought the ability to here the raucous laughter that was coming from inside. Suddenly an idea came to her. To get in all she had to do was knock or yell one of the boys’ names. She chose the first one as it was not as risky as yelling.

Sirius was the one who opened the door. “Hey it’s Evans. I’ve been missing you my love.” He murmured making kissy faces at her.

“Ew Black I don’t kiss dogs.” For some reason this made the four boys start laughing all over again. “Are you going to let me in or not Black.”

“I think I’ll choose or not Lily.”

“You better rethink that decision Black.” Addy snapped.

“Nope that will cause extensive damage to fragile brain.”

“It really is fragile Addy he’s actually telling the truth.” Remus called from inside.

“I know he is that’s the scary part.”

The girls probably stood for there for five minutes before Dorcas finally got sick of it, “If you don’t let us in I’ll hex you.” Dorcas threatened brandishing her wand.

“I stopped being afraid of that threat in fourth year Meadows.” Black deadpanned.

“It was worth a try.” She muttered putting her wand back in her pocket.

“Sirius will you please let us in I’ll have my mum send you some of her cookies.” Emmeline pleaded.

He instantly perked up and moved aside to let them in “Will you really your mums’ cookies are the best.”

“’Course I will cos that means I get to get some cookies to.”

The house elves who quickly noticed they had more guests sent an elf over to help them. “Kipper is here to serve you Misses.”

The girls all began speaking at once “Pumpkin Pasties please.” From Lily “Tea with no extra leaves.” Emmeline asked. “Umm I’ll have Treacle Tarts and some Droobles bubble gum please.” Addy asked breathlessly “I’ll have chocolate chip cookies please.” Dorcas asked “And I’ll have some brownies Kipper.” Abby stated.

With their orders in the five girls sat down. “Hey Lily since we’re probably going to be down here awhile to wanna have our gossip session down here?” Emmeline suggested taking a sip of her tea.

“Yeah Evans lets have a gossip session,” Giggled Sirius, “did you see that hottie in sixth year I would totally do him?”

James quickly caught “Oh I know he was so sexy.”

By now, the girls were howling with laughter at the boys antics. The first to recover was Addy who asked what boy they were gossiping.

“Oh, you know that one sixth year.” Sirius stuttered scratching his forehead.

“Yah that one really cute bloke.” Agreed James.

“I shouldn’t have let you imbeciles eat those sugar quills.” Groaned Remus putting his head in his hands.

“Hey we’re not imbeciles we are uncontrollable gits.” James protested and Sirius nodded his agreement.

“All this noise is giving me a headache. I’m going up to the dorm.” Abby stated grabbing her cookie and walking out of the kitchen.

“Hey Abs wait for us.” Addy, Emmeline, and Dorcas yelled following her.

“Guess it’s just you and us Lily.”

“Not for long Black I just wanna finish my food then I’m going to turn in.” Remarked the redhead.

“Spoilsport. You’re no fun Evans.” James whined.

“If you didn’t notice Potter we have classes tomorrow.”

The boy scoffed “Did you hear that Padfoot and Wormy we have classes tomorrow.”

“Yes siree I heard that.” Padfoot answered.

“Oh I give up I’m going to bed. G’Night Remus, Potter, Black, Pettigrew.”

With that departing note she walked out of the kitchen thoughts of nasty hexes and fluffy pillows on her mind.


	4. James dumb; James get beat up

_Monday September 2, 1976 sometime in the morning_

 

Any unfortunate soul that was unlucky enough to venture into the seventh year girls dorms could definitely tell it was the start of term. Socks, skirts, and shirts that did not fit anymore, robes, accessories, and unwanted Mary Janes all littered the floor of their dormitory. Shouts echoed throughout the room as the girls called out to each other asking if they had seen their shampoo or their hairbrush. There seemed to be only one calm girl in the room. That person was calmly sitting on her neatly made bed brushing her hair and calling out the locations of the various items her dorm mates were looking for.

There was a very similar scene-taking place in the seventh year boys’ dormitory. Except that dorm was much messier and smelled of a pigsty. There were also yells in that room but theirs were not of where their clothes were located but of swears that would shock any mother. Again, there seemed to be only one calm person in the room. This boy was standing in front of the bathroom mirror styling his black hair. Most of the yells were for this boy because he had been in the loo for over an hour already.

It was another hour before the Gryffindor seventh years made it down to breakfast. Moreover, when they finally arrived they were considerably late. The nine Gryffindors were informed that breakfast had ended an hour before. They were also informed that their head of house wanted a word with them.

“Bloody Hell we managed to be late on the first day. I think that’s a record Prongs,” Sirius whispered happily to the other boy, “we are so going in the books.”

“Which book are you talking about Pads? ‘Cause we will probably get a detention and be in her detention book,” The other boy whispered back.

“Who cares it’s just a detention. Besides, I miss Filch. I’m getting Filch withdrawal.”

“You are pathetic Black,” Dria said pugnaciously.

“Says the girl who used to fancy herself famous.” Padfoot retorted.

On the other side of Sirius, Moony was muttering “Shut up you stupid mutt don’t say another word.”

“You berk I otta punch you but today’s not my day to kill anybody.” Dria growled her face contorted with rage.

James who seemed to have an idea of whose day it was to kill people turned to Remus and said “Hey Moons make sure I don’t do anything to make Evans mad today.”

“What’s in it for me?” Moony inquired.

The other obviously not expecting this answer was stunned into silence. Seconds later though he stated “Moony you have been spending _way_ to much time with Sirius,” he paused, “I’ll get you Honeydukes chocolate if you help me.”

“All right I’ll help you.”

“YAY!” James exclaimed happily throwing his arms around his friend in a bear hug.

Dorcas who had stopped talking to Peter was watching her friends and had seen what James had done noted to Peter “Now that’s something I’d expect Black to do. But certainly not James.”

“Did someone call me?”

“No.” All the seventh years replied.

“Fine.” He pouted.

“We’re here who wants to go in first?” Lily said.

“You do.” Sirius pushed into the room.

“Miss Evans I see you and your,” She paused and inspected the group with a critical eye, “friends have arrived.”

“Well if Evans and her friends have arrived then I guess we aren’t here.” Sirius spoke gesturing to himself, James, Peter and Remus.

“Mr. Black do not sass me.” She chided.

“I’m not sassing you I’m serious.” His friends snickered at the overused pun.

“Really professor he is telling the truth,” Emmeline spoke up. “Those boys are so far from our friends. The occasional shag partner maybe. But certainly not our friends.”

Her friends minus Lily all nodded.

“Miss Vance,” McGonagall sighed, “what have I told you about using such crude references around me.” The professor reprimanded harshly.

“So I can talk like this outside your classroom.”

“Yes,” She paused and pinched the bridge of her nose. “But that’s not the point of having you all here. I called you here not only because you were all late but also because since the prefects are all dunderheads I would like all of you to plan the Halloween Party which is not a ball just a party for the Gryffindors. Are there any questions?” Sirius raised his hand “Yes Mr. Black.”

“Oh I don’t have a question I just wanted to raise my hand.”

“Are there any real questions?” This time Dorcas raised her hand “Yes Miss Meadows?”

“Can we have our schedules now?”

“Oh yes I almost forgot.” She turned around and picked up nine cream coloured papers. “Here they are now you may leave.”

The nine teenagers were shuffled out into the hallway. In the hallway, the all looked at their schedules.

“Marauders we have Divination with the lovely Professor Dickney.” James exclaimed before doubling over in laughter at the professor’s name. Sirius soon joined him. Peter and Remus merely sniggered.

The girls had that same class except for Abby and Dria who had Aritmacy that time.

“Bye guys and gals see you in,” Abby paused to look at her schedule. “History of Magic.”

With their goodbyes said, the two girls wandered off to Professor Kettleburns class.

“I’m bored.” Sirius said abruptly after Abby and Dria had turned the corner.

“Sing a song or dance.” Remus suggested not realising what he had said.

Sirius seemed to like this idea as he had started doing a horrible imitation of an Irish jig and he had started singing “I’m a wag you’re a wag everyone’s a wag-wag.”

Remus groaned in annoyance. “I knew I shouldn’t have given you that word for your word of the day.”

The other boy just continued chanting his new mantra much to his friends and ‘shag-partners’ annoyance.

“I wonder what Dickney,” Snickers where heard in the background. “, has planned for us today.” Dorcas wondered aloud.

“Probably some shit about those bloody tea leaves.” Emmeline responded. The three seventh year girls continued talking about what they thought their batty Divination professor had planned for them. The boys on the other hand had a very different and disturbing conversation going on.

“Sirius you faggot stop singing.” James demanded.

“No I don’t think I will stop singing this makes me feel like a homosexual and I like feeling like that.”

“I don’t know how to respond to that.” James said.

“Pads did you forget to take you pills again this morn?” Peter asked as if he was talking to a baby.

“No Wormy I didn’t forget because I don’t take pills you deek.”

“Oh uh I knew that.” Peter meekly replied.

By now, the teenagers had arrived in the North Tower. Remus who was at the front of the group was the first to reach the ladder. Being the first one on the ladder meant he was the first to arrive in the brightly light incense filled neon orange room.

As the others slowly climbed up the ladders (“Sirius you goon get your arse out of my face.”) and made their way into the room one by one they shuddered at the brightness and scent. The last to arrive in the room was Emmeline who let out a bunch of sneezes at the Saltwater and alcohol incense smell.

“Whoever came up with that scent should burn in **HELL**.” Emmeline declared when she finished sneezing, which didn’t stop until they had all sat down.

Sirius who looked slightly tipsy just murmured, “I rather like the scent makes me feel drunk”

“You mork stop sniffing alcohol.” Peter quipped.

“What’s a mork?”

Peter looked thoughtful for a moment then he shrugged.

Minutes later Professor Dickney waltzed into the room literally. “Welcome to beginning Divination,” she was interrupted in the middle of her speech by a student in the class who pointed out to her that they were in Advanced Divination “Oh yes my mistake welcome to Advanced Divination today we will be studying palmistry. Now are there any questions?”

Emmeline raised her hand.

“Yes Miss Vance?”

“What in the name of wands is up with the smell in here?” The orange haired girl asked.

Dickney looked surprised and asked, “What ever are you talking about dear?”

“Can’t you smell it?”

“Of course I can’t smell it. I haven’t smelt a day in my life.”

“Oh that explains it.”

The professor decided not to comment on what Emmeline said about that explaining it and the rest of the class went off without a hitch. An hour and a half later, the class was descending the stairs. Various conversations were being held some interesting, some boring. The Seventh Year Gryffindors were all listening to Lily tell a story about a fire that occurred in her hometown of Ottery St. Mary.

James, Remus and Sirius’s eyebrows shot up and they each looked at each other a look of worry and amusement on their faces.

“Whose house was it at Lily?” Remus asked shakily from either worry or him trying not to laugh.

“Oh it was a muggle house. No one you know.”

“Are you sure it was a muggle house because four wizarding families live around that area?”

“Oh course I know that it’s kinda hard to miss all the magical activity that goes on around there now I know about it.

“But it was a wizard that started the fire. Somewhat funny actually Calypso Lovegood and me were hanging on the porch when Archer Fawcett comes running down the street laughing manically. Apparently, he had just set this old persons house on fire. Therefore, we hid him in my pool ‘cause the police had come looking for him. **The End!** ”

“Almost everything I know I learned from him.” James said fondly.

“’Member all the dinner parties he ruined. Made the parties almost bearable.”

Emmeline and Dorcas started giggling knowing what the two boys were talking about. Archer Fawcett was _always_ causing trouble. Lily, Remus, and Peter just continued walking having no idea what the others found so funny.

“What’s so funny about Fawcett?” Lily asked turning into the History of Magic classroom.

“Archer was always pulling pranks at the balls and other shit us purebloods are forced to go to by our parents.” James said before letting Sirius take over the story.

“Thus he was always getting in trouble or getting us in trouble ‘cause of him.” Sirius continued before letting Emmeline take over.

“The only kids who went to the parties that weren’t stuck up were us four, Regulus, Gianna my sister, Archer and Dorcas’ sister Rayne.” Again a pause so the next person could continue the story.

“Long story short he’s sort of a French version of the four boys that happen to always be in our company. He is funny that’s who told us four ‘bout the birds and the bees.” Dorcas finished.

James and Sirius shuddered at that particular memory. “I’ll never forget that. He scarred me for the rest of my long and shagging filled life.” Emmeline and Dorcas nodded in agreement with Sirius.

Lily and Remus were about to comment on that piece of weird information when the professor walked, er, floated in.

“Sit down you buffoons. Yes Lack and Pooter I am talking to you.”

“It’s Black and Potter Professor.” James corrected.

“Yes I know that Mr. Porker.”

“His last name is Potter not Porker.” Peter corrected.

“That’s what I said Mr. Pottigoo.”

Abby raised her hand wanting to get the attention off the boys. “Yes Miss Johnson?”

James and Sirius were outraged that he got her name right but not theirs “This is a conspiracy.” One of them muttered to the other.

“Is it true that in 1278 A.D. the troll Seespan farted so loud that it caused an earthquake?”

This question made the ghost lapse into a _very long_ description of what had actually happened. The story consisted of not a giant farting but actually two giants having wild and crazy sex on a fault line in California that made the earthquake occur.

“That’s a horrible mental image.” Sirius said rather loudly interrupting Binns.

“Imagine it two giants doing it and causing an earthquake.” James said back just as loud.

The two had the whole class laughing making the professor furious.

“That’s the problem I can’t imagine giants going at it its grotesque.” Remus responded.

“I didn’t even know giants could do _it_.” Peter said stupidly making the whole class stop laughing and point at him.

“He’s so stupid.” One kid said. “How did he pass first year?” Another asked to his partner. “What a dope.” A Hufflepuff said.

Professor Binns was slowly losing control of his class so he simply let them out forty-five minutes early.

“What are we going to do ‘till the next class?” Dria moaned pathetically as the seventh years were making there way through the corridors.

“We could make like those giants and do it all night.” Sirius suggested hopefully.

“I told you we can’t do that two nights in a row Black.” She hissed at him.

“Aye I know that but all that talk about doing it made me want to do it.”

“Then do me.” Emmeline suggested waggling her eyebrows.

The boy shook his head, “Nah your next week.”

“Now we only have,” Remus paused to check his niffler themed watch,” forty minutes to do something.”

“What are we gonna do for the next forty minutes then.” Peter wondered.

“I’m going to see my boyfriend.” Abby said before sauntering off down the corridor.

“I’m going to see my girlfriend.” Peter whimpered scampering off after Abby.

The group walked in silence for a few minutes before Sirius who had a florescent light bulb over his head exclaimed excitedly “I know what we can do.”

“Oh and what’s that?” Lily asked sarcastically.

“We can smoke crack.”

“No we can’t sorry Black I left my stash at home.” Dria said bowing her head in shame.

The rest of the group nodded their heads signalling they had also left their stashes at home.

“Damn now we have nothing to do.” He said sadly tears forming in his eyes.

“Padfoot are you crying?” James asked concernedly.

The other boy wiped his eyes “No I just got somthing in my eye.”

“Aww how cute Black is crying because we don’t have anything to smoke.” Dorcas cooed pulling a loo roll out of her pocket and giving it to Sirius.

The sniffling boy promptly wiped his snotty nose and then handed the snotty loo roll back to Dorcas.

Suddenly Remus raised his hand. “Lupin why did you just raise your hand?” Lily asked bewildered.

The boy flushed “I have an idea,” Everyone turned and looked at him expectantly “We can read encyclopaedias’.”

“You’ve lost your bananas.” James said quoting Sirius.

Insert loud gasp and you have what happens next. “HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY WORDS!” Sirius yelled very loudly “YOU FIEND RUN WHILE I CHASE YOU!”

That got rid of James and Sirius because James went running down the hall screaming like a little girl and Sirius followed yelling battle cries.

“Good that exercise will be good for those corpulent fools.”

“It’d probably be even better if they weren’t completely rat arsed from an overdose of butterbeer this morning.” Dorcas chirped up happily.

“Dora’s right I bet if we walk a bit farther down the corridor we’ll find those dopes passed out on the floor with drool coming out of their mouths and bogeys coming out of their noses.” Emmeline stated confidently.

“Well I bet ten sickles that Sirius will be passed out on James’ crotch area.” Dorcas remarked arrogantly.

“Well now I feel left out.” Dria complained. “I bet ten sickles that Sirius will be passed out on James’ crotch _but_ he will be face first sniffing his (James’) bits.”

Remus and Lily were the only ones not to participate in the betting. The five teenagers continued merrily on the way towards were they would find James and Sirius. They were walking for about six or seven minutes when –surprise surprise- they came upon James and Sirius sprawled across the floor with green snot oozing from noses and puddles of drool on James’ trousers and on the floor. Sirius’ face was mashed into James’ crotch with his butt in the air and James was snogging the cold stone floor.

“Where’s my camera when I need it.” Lily whined.

“How-gasp- are we –snort- supposed to know –snort laughter- that.” Dorcas managed to snort and laugh out.

Emmeline who was laughing far too hard talk never mind think about it. Remus was clutching his stomach with tears running down his face he was laughing so hard.

“Who’s going to wake them up?” Dria asked whilst examining the two sleeping boys closely grimacing in disgust at the snot hanging like a rope off a cliff from their noses.

“I’ll do it.” Lily said a bit too happily. Moments after it rolled off her tongue, she lifted up her foot and brought it down softly on Sirius’ bum then she rolled Sirius off James so she could punch the other boy in stomach.

“Gerroff Padfoot… I don’t care if it’s bloody Christmas.” James mumbled groggily

“Wakey Wakey eggs and bakey.”

James perked up immediately “Bacon where bacon bacon bacon?”

Sirius looked at him curiously. “I didn’t say bacon you twat I said bakey.” The boy scratched his buttocks “Anyways we’re not anywhere near the kitchens.”

Remus rolled his eyes “Padfoot how many times do I have to tell you that it’s anyway not anyways.”

Padfoot shrugged “Dunno probably a bijillion more times today at least.” Sirius then turned to James “Get up you ankle biter.”

“I’m not an ankle biter you fruitcake.”

“Pussy.”

“No fair you always do that.” James whined dejectedly.

“Come on you boobs have to get to the Great Hall we have lunch soon.” Lily turned on her heel and took off down the hall.

“Evans wait.” James called.

She stopped and looked at him annoyance written all over her face. “What do you want Potter?”

“Go out with me.” He ordered flashing her a lopsided smile.

The red head let out a scream “You pompous arrogant prat.” She lunged toward him.

Fearing for his life James turned to her friends. “Aren’t you going to stop her?”

They all shook their heads smirking at him but it was Dria that spoke up “We can’t it’s her day to kill you.”

By the time their little conversation was finished Lily had given James pimples, purple fingers, made him bald and pantsed him revealing lacy quidditch knickers.

When the girls noticed his undergarments, they laughed uncontrollably.

“He has a fetish for woman’s lingerie.” He paused to pick a particularly stubborn wedgie. “Anyways who wants to go to lunch?” He bubbled.

“We’re just going to leave them here?” Remus asked looking at Lily who had progressed to punching James.

“Duh… Now come on Snivellus has a mole on his konker that I am just dying to fling rocks at.” Sirius quipped before skipping happily down the hall.

Soon enough everyone was following him laughing at James’ expense.

* * *

“You" **punch** "dick-headed" **punch kick** "S.O.B.” Lily repeated repeatedly as she was beating up James.

This went on for about another five minutes before Lily tired of it. She rolled off him and pulled a little mirror thing that she had seen the boys use out of his pocket. With the mirror in her hand, she muttered Sirius Black.

“Yeah pumpkin.” He stated jovially.

“I beat up your bum boy he’s on the floor come get him. Ta.”

With that task done, she made her way to the nearest lavatory so she could wash the blood and snot off her hands.

****

* * *

**A/N: This isn’t beta’d so don’t nag me about it not being so.**

 

****

** Now make me happy and review. I’ll give you a virtual brownie.  **


End file.
